THE BIG REVEAL: I desire to share my own personal experiences, successes, as well as failures—scratch that!—successes as well as obstacles* (ok that feels right) to inspire you to overcome anything that may obscure or direct you away from your goals and passions.
Big news I was just featured in New York Mag’s TheCut! Beyond ‘The One’: Exploring Modern Polyamory Awesome right?? HELL YEAH! The video already has over 6k views! 😱 It depicts us exploring the world of polyamory while facing our own relationship challenges independently of our triad-relationship.
If you noticed, this week I’ve been posting a lot on my story about “The way others perceive you”, “what they think”, “what they say”, and how it affects your opinions and feelings towards yourself. That’s because this video brought up an insecurity within myself that I’ve been working on filling with love: The need to please others. Of course, like everyone in the world I want to be loved and adored! (Well maybe not everyone in the world wants that, let me practice speaking for myself.)
I want to be liked. I want to be understood. When I am not liked and appreciated, it hurts. *Especially* when the core of my character is questioned or not seen. I have worked extremely hard in my life to hold myself accountable and to the highest standards… To continually grow and expand myself to be the BEST person that I can be for myself and those around me.
As a personal trainer, I have helped *many* people in my life. Leading by action and living a holistic lifestyle I have helped aid and inspire those around me to overcome health issues, realize their dreams, and achieve their goals. However, within 24 hrs of the video launching, I found myself questioning my entire existence over a few comments! The ego is so fragile 😂.
Practicing Non-judgment In Life
I could’ve easily found myself spiraling down a dark place… which did start to happen and I actually wanted to make a video burning down every single one of the accusations with logic, zero empathy, and straight up psychology and facts. Instead, I recognized I was getting emotionally triggered and not seeing that this was an opportunity for me to love myself in an even more profound way.
We are not affected by other people, but affected by our own ideas of ourselves. If those ideas do not exist within you, whatever people say will not phase you, if you are living with honesty and integrity. This is why I say it bothered me for a little bit. I was able to reflect and ask myself, “is this real?” and check-in with my actions and accomplishments over time. I know myself. I know what I stand for. I know what I believe. I know what I practice, and I know who I aspire to be. I live by a set of standards, and those standards have produced a successful career. Those standards have built a strong, healthy man and you know how the saying goes… "You reap what you sow."I want to tell you, you will encounter many people in your life and you can’t please every single person that you meet. You cannot convince them who you are like Pierson Williams was talking about on his IG live. Aim to satisfy yourself with your actions. Then you will have nothing to defend. In these past 4 days so much has come up for me and I am grateful for every comment because without them I couldn’t have had come to this broader understanding within myself.
multiple intimate relationships The truth about nonmonogamous relationships
At least one in five Americans has had a consensually nonmonogamous relationship at some point in their lives. A partner's partners are accepted as part of that person's life rather than merely tolerated, and usually, it’s a relationship that requires deception rather than a "don't ask don't tell" policy which is seen as a less than ideal model. Polyamory is "not a sexuality" but is actually "having multiple intimate relationships". others believe that each person should have only one romantic partner, at least at one time. Some don't think that a single individual can fulfill all of their relationship needs, and therefore they prefer having many partners. Polyamory, or consensual nonmonogamy, is the practice of having multiple intimate relationships, whether sexual or just romantic, with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved. Polyamory is generally not gender-specific; anyone can have multiple partners of any gender. This is why communication and clarity in communication is of the highest value. Due to the complex nature of various relationships. Which I believe should be a prerequisite in any relationship. However unfortunately in our society this is more commonly practiced in ethically nonmonogamous relationships or polyamory.
Good Communication
I was ridiculed and criticized relentlessly by some for my communication style with my ex-partner. This was very troubling to me because I believe communication is one of the fundamental platforms on which any relationship is built. Good communication provides the pillars, and principle foundation in order to have a successful, long-term, fruitful, vibrant, exciting, relationship. This is understandable to me because most people lack the emotional EQ to identify their own emotions, thoughts, and feelings yet alone communicate that to someone else or listen deeply to someone else communicating their thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
First let’s start by identifying what good communication is: Healthy relationships are characterized by trust, mutual respect, openness, honesty, and affection. No matter what type of relationship you have with another person(s), it is important for it to be a healthy one. Good communication is a hallmark of a healthy relationship but people often mistake trauma bonding, gossip, emotional offloading, overstepping boundaries, and being agreeable as good communication or deep listening. When in fact it’s the most toxic way of communication that the majority of the world is taught and seems to participate in. This is why the human family and consciousness have since moved into a state of "re-parenting" and self-awareness. Before one can judge others it is important that we turn our mind‘s eye inward and into ourselves.
Powerful Romantic relationships
To stimulate and enrich your romantic relationship, it's important to sustain your own identity outside of the relationship. Be sure to maintain the relationship with your desired family and friends while maintaining your own hobbies and interests. When both people have their own personal identities, values, core beliefs, hopes, dreams, aspirations, and desires. Only then a powerful relationship will manifest. Not to say this is unlikely to happen without these characteristics... More than likely, for most it will happen throughout the entirety of your ongoing relationships. Healthy relationships are one of discovery and discomfort. One of uncovering or as I would like to reframe it one of “ discovering “ the deepest aspects of ourselves. Allowing us to explore ourselves with other people and become more of what we strive to be. Knowing first what we want from a relationship and feeling comfortable expressing our needs, fears, and desires, can increase trust and strengthen the bond between us and our partners.
If these areas are neglected and go unacknowledged then the relationship will surely fail in the long term. This brings us back to the basics of communication and why it’s so important for so many to learn how to communicate their thoughts, feelings, emotions, as well as their needs and boundaries. That kind of communication can start with self-love, aka your relationship with yourself. Genuine self-love is based on making the right choices for you, from a desire to remain happy and healthy. Making that an aggressive non-negotiable it’s not common, and can come across as selfish. I’m here to tell you it is the exact opposite. These needs must be communicated assertively from the start which is genuinely associated with being a masculine man.
Good communication is based on; ideas that are well-formulated and clearly transmitted, in an assertive but non-aggressive tone unless absolutely necessary. Contrary to popular belief, aggressive tones and actions do serve a purpose in life. Especially for those who learned through experience ie. (actions, and, physical experiences) rather than insight ie. (talking things through). Everyone learns and receives information differently this applies in relationships too. Because I am speaking as a male metrosexual-bodied person of color. Who is undergoing a transformation in fully integrated masculine awakening. I choose to speak from a male-bodied perspective. A masculine man will not be fearful when he has something to say, [I am still struggling with this] nor will he beat around the bush. He will say it just the way it is, but make sure it is understood. Someone else might have stated ( 'but making sure he doesn’t hurt others when he does' ) I am not that person. I have come to learn that you are not in control over what hurts others and how they interpret the things that you are speaking about or sharing. Therefore it’s not your responsibility how they take it or feel it. It is their own feelings and you must be honest and communicate honestly regardless of how they may negatively interpret what you are speaking or discussing. When people stop communicating well, they stop relating well, and in times of change or stress can really be a key factor in bringing out the disconnect. This brings us to the next topic of conversation "Healthy Masculinity in Relationships and Polyamory" from the perspective of being black and poly.
Divine Masculine Energy & Polyamory: being black in polyamorous relationships
Divine masculine energy is deeply connected to the warrior within each of us. Where divine feminine energy can be very internal and reflective, divine masculine energy relishes in doing things out in the real world, like having thought out adventures, making change, saying what's on your mind, and taking risks. It's also an energy that's often associated with things like logic and critical thinking. Keywords to keep in mind related to the divine masculine: Risk. However, for me, it's important to maintain both energies in balance. During the time this Doc came out I had just begun to heal my relationship with The Masculine within me. This is the first step in awakening your Divine Masculine Energy.
Growing up black in a home run by powerful women
As a young black man growing up in a matriarchal family run by independent outspoken powerful black women with a hint of distortion, and toxicity. I remember this phrase being yelled at me “ take the base out of your voice “.
As a black model when I first entered the industry in 2012 I remember my first manager telling me to shave my beard. Watch how I position my hands in shots to not symbolize black power and be non-threatening.
I strongly believe the stigmas, inherent injustices, prejudice, and racism have formulated toxic relationship constructs between black men and black women. Those constructs bleed into our everyday relationships as well as our deeply intimate relationships. Form how we express anger, sadness, and frustrations. When it comes to masculinity, especially in the polyamorous community… No one is really having that conversation, which can be very painful and isolating to the black men but also the black woman healing too. Sharing this documentary in the public eye showcase some of these stigmas: where the seemingly white-passing Dominican is victimized; the Black passing male is villainized, and the black female is sexualized and criticized.
OUR MODERN-DAY RELATIONSHIP WITH MASCULINITY
Now when I say our relationship with the masculine, I mean whatever views you have about it, whatever negative experiences you may have had with men, and women because WOMEN do play a part in the negativity surrounding masculinity itself. Whatever preconceptions have been transmitted to you about masculinity as we live in a very polarizing world right now. This is the the relationship you what masculinity. We must not forget that the divine masculine is alive within each and every one of us as well. The only way we can truly balance our spiritual awakening is to integrate both sides of our nature as men and women – not simply one above the other.
WHY POLYAMORY NEEDS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH MASCULINITY
In the world we live in we need to draw a line in the sand about what's right or wrong." The masculine is good at setting boundaries in this way. Similarly, this plays into the idea of strength, and not just physical but emotional strength as well. So what I saw was from people that chose to be vocal in the comments. They felt triggered and upset by the way I communicated. They may possibly lack the skill or a real relationship to a healthy masculine sense of self therefore externalizing their pain and resentment towards the image of me they are feeling. That could relate to their way of communicating boundaries in their relationships and in their life which lacking. When they saw me questioning my partner at the time. Asking her to elaborate and articulate her thoughts and feelings more clearly. Asking her to self-reflect and evaluate how she was navigating the conversation and if it is of use to her or if limiting beliefs from the past are stopping us from growing together. They saw it differently [ their words: integrating ]. When I said, “we need to stay in alignment with our set intention” ( the phrase I used when navigating a conversation with my partner at the time in the video ) they internalized their own pains of not being heard or listened to and became reactive in the comments.
To me, these feelings are natural when one is healing from the trauma of the past. when one’s consciousness is stuck in a loop from the past. You can’t see your way out or forward or anything else but that past pain. It is no man’s responsibility nor is it mine to coddle a partner or anyone every time they get stuck in a loop. I can be of support but it is their responsibility to do the work necessary to heal from the trauma. That is the true opportunity that that moment is bringing up for the commenting individual. For me, it was practicing being stern and stepping into my masculine with strength power and reassurance trusting that the person that I was with has the ability and skill to navigate their thought and feelings in that space knowing and remembering how we communicated we want to show up in the world and for our selves and others with the support of my masculine love.
STEP INTO YOUR MASCULINITY WITH STRENGTH POWER AND ASSURANCE WHEN A PARTNER IS HURTING THEMSELVES OR OTHERS.
A spiritually balanced man must act in accordance, he will know exactly how much attention to invest in his body. He will not become a narcissist. How dose this relate to communication and relationship? Discipline, repetition, and practicing new exercises to create a new way of being at all costs even if it means you outgrow the relationship. A man who embodies the Divine Masculine is strong, fit, and healthy, without placing too much emphasis on his body. A man who embodies the Divine Masculin energy trains and exercises and eats healthily because he knows his body is a temple. A healthy masculine man has a good relationship with mental strength, this is what allows men to be men. That mental strength translates through good decision-making abilities, courage, determination, and good risk-assessing abilities. So many women desire these characteristics but lack the clarity to see and articulate exactly how those characteristics show up in everyday life. Some women fever over the image of a beautiful, powerful, smart, protector, provider not seeing that persons everyday actions and practices that lead to that image they hold so highly. Which in truth is not deep listening or actually seeing someone for who they are. This is the only the part is seen not the whole. Which creates a sensationalized idea of a masculine man. For those of us who know firsthand the pains of not seeing someone as they are but as you imagine them to be. This is known "sensationalism" within a relationship is never a good thing.
What Does This Have To Do With Polyamorous Relationships?
POLYAMORY IS THE FUTURE OF LOVE AND SEX IN AMERICA
EVERYTHING. In order to have a healthy polyamorous relationship, you need to have a good relationship with yourself. In order to have a good relationship with yourself, you must be able to communicate with your inner dialogs of yourself. That is a must in order to communicate with others. You must understand your own baggage and traumas that way you are capable of navigating that with another person. In a polyamorous relationship there are many people, so if you are having a hard time navigating one monogamous relationship imagine several polyamorous ones. Polyamory is about more than one love and to my readers know that love starts with you finding and exploring both your masculine and feminine. Polyamory requires trusting that your partner has the emotional EQ to walk through life and grow with you. Polyamory is fundamentally a growth-based relationship. One that challenges the deepest corners of our inner worlds. Through this documentary, my ego was shattered my relationships fell into the places that they needed to be. I discovered my masculinity and my relationships have since flourished with clarity thoughtfulness and understanding. My spine and voice were strengthened the overall wellness of my life emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually was uplifted and unburdened. This is just the tip of the conversation I hope you stay tuned to have many more realizations with me.
WATCH THE DOC THAT IS CHANGING HOW THE WORLD SEES NONMONOGAMY
ITS ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE… So with all that being said and shown, I want to say thank you Andee and Shelby for reaching out to us and sharing a part of our story with the world. I loved this one comment on facebook describing it: “A non-sensationalized or stigmatized documentary on polyamory.” And ain’t that the truth! I will be going more in-depth into what I was experiencing, some of the challenging thoughts that came up. If you want to join the conversation jump over to @divinemasculinelove. Between now and my next post, I encourage you all to recognize and ask yourself, “who am I? What standards do I live by?” Leave a comment below. Remember, a comment acts as an affirmation and a reminder to you, so when you participate here with me, you are participating in your own growth. Baby steps + small actions become life-altering changes.
Lastly, for those of you who live with integrity and honor, if no one has ever said this to you let me be the one to say it. If you are ever faced with blatant unthoughtful opinions and judgments... Know this: everyone has opinions, and anyone can pass judgment. Just because someone says something does not make it true! Don’t let that affect your ability to live your dreams or to create your reality. Hold yourself accountable and live bigger than life itself. Do you boo-boo, and the rest will follow! To think I was actually thinking about not doing another interview again!!! hah hah… yeah right! 😂😉 ALSO, we just received two more emails from major platforms for us to share our relationship and the work that we’re doing on ourselves! Booyah! SUPER EXCITED.
(( comment below if you also want to be loved and adored by all 😇 ))
